u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
