good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He? As in you personified your dick?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
