sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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