9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
