He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
