I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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