I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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