Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize