Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I faked an abortion last night.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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