What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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