that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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