community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
