...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
