i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize