she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
