do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
