I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
