your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
