my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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