Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
