So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We left the knife in your bed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize