Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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