I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
