i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i don't like sucking hair
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
