2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
