i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
