I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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