Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
