Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
