at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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