You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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