there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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