I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
