Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
