Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize