We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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