so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
