Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
