So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
