Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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