Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
