she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
