I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
