yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize