Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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