I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
