The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
