I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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