my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
