forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
