i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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