The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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