it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
