I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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