She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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