are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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