I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
